From Soulmates to Equals: A Philosopher's Guide to Finding Real Love

Part I: The Primordial Longing — Plato and the Search for Wholeness

The Birth of the Soulmate Myth

The journey begins in ancient Athens with Plato’s Symposium—a dramatic conversation set at a banquet, where great minds debate the nature of love. The most famous speech comes from Aristophanes, who crafts a powerful myth: Humans were once double-beings, strong and spherical, but the gods split us in two. Ever since, we search desperately for our other half, longing to be whole again.

This myth frames love as a search for completeness, a recognition of our “missing piece.” It’s a beautiful story that perfectly mirrors the feeling of meeting someone who seems to “complete” us, shaping centuries of romantic ideals about finding your one true soulmate.

Plato’s Real Message: Love as an Ascent

But Plato doesn’t let this story stand unchallenged. In the dialogue’s climax, Socrates recounts a lesson from the wise Diotima. She teaches that love is not just a yearning for a lost half, but a striving for goodness and beauty itself.

The real journey of love, according to Plato, is the “Ladder of Love”—an ascent:

1. Attraction to One Beautiful Body: The journey begins with falling for one person’s beauty.

2. Recognition of Beauty in All Bodies: The lover realizes beauty exists in many forms, not just one.

3. Love of Beautiful Souls: Soon, inner beauty—character, virtue, intellect—matters more than physical attraction.

4. Admiration for Beautiful Laws and Institutions: The lover appreciates beauty in well-ordered communities and noble actions.

5. Love of Knowledge and Wisdom: The pursuit shifts toward the beauty of ideas, learning, and philosophy.

6. Contemplation of Ultimate Beauty: At the top, love is about seeking the eternal, unchanging essence of Beauty itself—a principle, not a person.

Plato’s ultimate point: Love starts with desire but leads to creation—it’s about becoming more, birthing new virtues and insights, and sharing this higher purpose with the world. Rather than passively seeking completion in another, true love is an active quest for growth.

Part II: The Partnership of Virtue — Aristotle’s Blueprint for Lasting Love

Bringing Love Down to Earth: Eudaimonia and Friendship

Aristotle, Plato’s greatest student, grounds love in the day-to-day reality of human relationships. In his Nicomachean Ethics, he argues that friendship—or philia—is essential for a flourishing life (eudaimonia). For Aristotle, friendship includes all deep bonds: family, romantic partners, even business collaborators. Its highest form is the “friendship of virtue.”

Three Types of Love-Bonds

Aristotle defines three kinds of friendship:

• Friendship of Utility: Based on mutual benefit or advantage. Practical, but can easily end when circumstances change.

• Friendship of Pleasure: Founded on enjoyment and shared fun. Often blooms quickly, but fades as tastes or interests shift.

• Friendship of Virtue: The deepest bond, formed between two people who admire each other’s character and wish good for the other for their own sake. This friendship is a “second self”—a mirror that inspires each partner to be their best.

Building Enduring Love

A virtuous relationship isn’t instant—it must be built slowly, through shared experiences, time, and trust. Aristotle emphasizes that in loving someone for their virtue, you help nurture their growth, and in turn, you become better yourself. This bond is not about merging into one or losing yourself—it’s about two distinct individuals choosing to help each other flourish, every day.

Importantly, the partnership also weaves in enjoyment and shared benefit; those who love each other’s character will naturally find each other pleasant and supportive. Lasting romantic partnerships, then, are less about “finding the one” and more about building a project of mutual virtue and flourishing.

Part III: The Union of the Free — Simone de Beauvoir’s Existentialist Love

Freedom, Authenticity, and the Critique of Romantic Myths

Jump forward to the 20th century: Simone de Beauvoir reimagines love through the lenses of existentialism and feminism. She exposes how traditional romance often masks deep inequalities: society pressures women to self-sacrifice and serve men’s dreams, while men may seek adoration rather than true partnership.

De Beauvoir argues that authentic love can’t exist when one person is put on a pedestal or loses their selfhood. Instead, both partners must meet as free, equal individuals, each committed to their own growth and respecting the other’s freedom. Real love is not a fusion of two halves, but two whole people choosing, freely and continuously, to support one another’s independence and flourishing.

What Is Authentic Love?

• Partners as Equals: Both people are unique, whole, and independent. Neither dominates nor submits.

• Mutual Freedom: Love enhances each person’s ability to pursue their own projects and passions.

• Adventure, Not Possession: The relationship is a dynamic, ongoing choice—not a safe harbor, but a shared adventure full of risk, change, and promise.

De Beauvoir’s love is not about surrendering yourself or “completing” each other. It is about joining forces to create a relationship where both can fully realize their potential.

Conclusion: Crafting a Modern Philosophy of Love

The evolution from Plato’s myth of soulmates, through Aristotle’s friendship of virtue, to de Beauvoir’s philosophy of equal partnership gives us a powerful set of tools for understanding and building deep, resilient connections.

Love is not about passively waiting for your missing half or losing yourself in another person. Nor is it just about fleeting pleasure or practical advantage. Real, durable love is:

• A daily practice of admiration, support, and growth

• An active commitment to shared values and individual flourishing

• A relationship where freedom, trust, and authenticity are always in balance

Viewed through the lens of philosophy, love is the ongoing, chosen act of seeing, valuing, and championing another as a full, free, and flourishing human being—while accepting this gift in return. That’s a relationship worth striving for, every day.