Top 100 Funny & Witty Stoic Quotes

Stoicism is not just a philosophy of girded teeth and emotional self-control. The ancient Stoics—far from being grim sages—embraced humor, irony, and wit to ease the hardships of life and to teach some of its profoundest truths. Their jokes, playful self-deprecation, and sharp observations are as relevant today as ever.

QUOTES

7/4/20257 min read

Why the Stoics Loved Humor

Stoic humor served as a means of emotional resilience and perspective. As Seneca quipped, "It's better for us to laugh at life than to cry over it." Stoics knew that laughing at the absurdities of life was a way of maintaining inner control, avoiding distress, and keeping ego in check. Even Chrysippus, a founding Stoic, died laughing at his own joke—a donkey eating figs—proving that even the wisest can be felled by the ridiculous.

The Top 100 Funny & Witty Stoic Quotes

Marcus Aurelius – The Wry Emperor

It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own.
Human lives are brief and trivial. Yesterday a blob of semen, tomorrow embalming fluid, ash.
And why should we feel anger at the world? As if the world would notice.
It's silly to try to escape other people's faults. They are inescapable. Just try to escape your own.
How they act when they eat and sleep and mate and defecate and all the rest. Then when they order and exult, or rage and thunder from on high.
A cucumber is bitter. Throw it away. There are briars in the road. Turn aside from them. This is enough. Do not add, 'And why were such things made in the world?'
How strangely men act. They will not praise those who are living at the same time and living with themselves; but to be themselves praised by posterity, by those whom they have never seen or ever will see, this they set much value on.
Getting angry at others for being flawed is as foolish as getting mad at a fig tree for producing figs.
Don't let yourself forget how many doctors have died, furrowing their brows over how many deathbeds.
The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.
Choose not to be harmed — and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed — and you haven't been.
Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live.
When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love.
You have power over your mind — not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

Seneca – The Satirical Sage

It's better for us to laugh at life than to cry over it.
We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.
What need is there to weep over parts of life? The whole of it calls for tears.
It is more civilized to make fun of life than to bewail it.
We cease to be so angry once we cease to be so hopeful.
For many men, the acquisition of wealth does not end their troubles, it only changes them.
If we could be satisfied with anything, we should have been satisfied long ago.
They lose the day in expectation of the night, and the night in fear of the dawn.
There is no genius without a touch of madness.
The sun also shines on the wicked.
While we wait for life, life passes.
Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
Gold tests with fire, woman with gold, man with woman.
The difficulty comes from our lack of confidence.
Oh, what darkness does great prosperity cast over our minds.

Epictetus – The Humorous Sage

If someone speaks badly of you, do not defend yourself against the accusations, but reply: "you obviously don't know about my other vices, otherwise you would have mentioned these as well."
He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.
But my nose is running! What do you have hands for, idiot, if not to wipe it?
If you set your heart upon philosophy, you must straightway prepare yourself to be laughed at and mocked by many.
Man is not worried by real problems so much as by his imagined anxieties about real problems.
It's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.
People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them.
You have two ears and one mouth so that you can listen twice as much as you speak.
Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.
Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it.
If anyone tells you that such a person speaks ill of you, don't make excuses about what is said of you, but answer: "He does not know my other faults, else he would not have mentioned only these."
These reasonings are unconnected: "I am richer than you, therefore I am better" and "I am more eloquent than you, therefore I am better."
Who are those people by whom you wish to be admired? Are they not these whom you are in the habit of saying that they are mad? What then? Do you wish to be admired by the mad?
Asked, Who is the rich man? Epictetus replied, He who is content.
Idiot, that's his concern – don't concern yourself with other people's business. It's his problem if he receives you badly.

Diogenes – The Comedic Cynic

Man is the most intelligent of the animals – and the most silly.
In a rich man's house there is no place to spit but his face.
I am called a dog because I fawn on those who give me anything, I yelp at those who refuse, and I set my teeth in rascals.
What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.
When someone reminded him that the people of Sinope had sentenced him to exile, he said, "And I sentenced them to stay at home."
When asked what was the proper time for supper: If you are a rich man, whenever you please; and if you are a poor man, whenever you can.
I threw my cup away when I saw a child drinking from his hands at the trough.
He has the most who is most content with the least.
Why not whip the teacher when the pupil misbehaves?
The great thieves lead away the little thief.
Alexander the Great found the philosopher looking at a pile of human bones. Diogenes explained, "I am searching for the bones of your father but cannot distinguish them from those of a slave."
To one who asked what was the proper time for lunch, he said, "If a rich man, when you will; if a poor man, when you can."
I have nothing to ask but that you would remove to the other side, that you may not, by intercepting the sunshine, take from me what you cannot give.
The art of being a slave is to rule one's master.
I know nothing, except the fact of my ignorance.
When the slave auctioneer asked in what he was proficient, he replied, "In ruling people."
If your cloak was a gift, I appreciate it; if it was a loan, I'm not through with it yet.
On being asked by someone how he could become famous, Diogenes responded: "By worrying as little as possible about fame."
Poverty is a virtue which one can teach oneself.
The Sun visits cesspools without being defiled.
Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad.
As a matter of self-preservation, a man needs good friends or ardent enemies, for the former instruct him and the latter take him to task.
Being asked where in Greece he saw good men, he replied, "Good men nowhere, but good boys at Sparta."
Love comes with hunger.
Blushing is the color of virtue.

Zeno of Citium – The Founder's Wit

We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say.
Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue.
By silence, I hear other men's imperfections and conceal my own.
Man conquers the world by conquering himself.
Steel your sensibilities, so that life shall hurt you as little as possible.
The avaricious man is like the barren, sandy ground of the desert, which sucks in all the rain and dews with greediness, but yields no fruitful herbs or plants for the benefit of others.
Nothing is more hostile to a firm grasp on knowledge than self-deception.
Man seems to be deficient in nothing so much as he is in time.
Extravagance is its own destroyer.
All the good are friends of one another.

Chrysippus and Modern Stoic Humor

Now give the donkey a drink of pure wine to wash down the figs. (Chrysippus’ fatal last joke)
We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.
Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.
Most of your problems are the result of your own choices and actions.
For the love of God, don't you realize that rage only impedes your goals?
Misfortune weighs most heavily on those who expect nothing but good fortune.
Life is hard. Then you die. The only problem you have is thinking you're somehow entitled to an easy life.
Too many people believe that everything must be pleasurable in life.
You don't HAVE to face challenges, you GET to face challenges.
When you're a Stoic, and you're waiting for life to present you with a serious challenge to overcome.
Me, not being harmed because I choose not to feel harmed.
Stoics being strict with themselves and tolerant with others.
I can't recall what the heck I used to be so anxious and ticked off about all the doggone time.
I pissed on the man who called me a dog. Why was he so surprised?
Of what use is a philosopher who doesn't hurt anybody's feelings?
It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours.
People who talk well but do nothing are like musical instruments; the sound is all they have to offer.
There is only a finger's difference between a wise man and a fool.
He lit a lamp in broad daylight and said, as he went about, "I am looking for a human."
Dogs and philosophers do the greatest good and get the fewest rewards.

The Therapeutic Power of Stoic Humor

Stoic humor is not only entertaining—it’s a tool for resilience and emotional health. Laughing at oneself disarms the ego, makes adversity less threatening, and helps us grasp deep insights about human nature. This wit also made the Stoic lessons memorable, accessible, and relatable.

The Legacy of Laughing Philosophers

The Stoic tradition teaches us to embrace life’s absurdities and contradictions with a smile. These quotes show that wisdom and laughter travel comfortably hand in hand, offering both clarity and comfort for living well, even in a world full of unpredictability.

Remember: Sometimes the wisest thing you can do is laugh—even if it's just at yourself.